The Compromises That Heal & the Ones That Harm

Hello beautiful human!

Not all compromise is healthy. And this is something many of us were never taught.

In dating and relationships, as women we’re often praised for being “easygoing”, “understanding”, or “low maintenance”. We have been conditioned from a young age to placate, please and perform to keep love. So we grow into adult women who self-sacrifice and self-abandon in order to not be abandoned in a relationship. But what we choose to ignore is that this leads to a much more painful abandonment - an abandonment of Self.

Compromise is a vital part of long-lasting relationships. But what’s important to also recognise is that you still need to honour your own needs in the process.

You can differentiate between self-sacrificing compromise and healthy compromise in this way:

Self-sacrificing compromise sounds like:

• “I’ll give up my need so I don’t upset you.”

• “I’ll shrink so you stay.”

• “I’ll tolerate this because I’m scared to lose you.”

This type of compromise usually comes from an activated nervous system. In other words, it comes from a part of you that is trying to protect you against abandonment, rejection, or conflict. At first, it may look like love, patience, or maturity. But over time, it may preserve the relationship but it also quietly erodes away your self-worth.

When your needs consistently go unmet, your body keeps the score. The cost shows up as resentment, emotional distance, anxiety, depression, disconnection from self, and even autoimmune diseases and other physical maladies.

Self-sacrificing compromise doesn’t bring true intimacy, it brings imbalance. And imbalance finds a way to manifest in many destructive ways within a relationship.

Healthy compromise sounds like:

• “I care about your experience and I’m willing to meet you in the middle.”

• “Let’s find a solution that honours both of us.”

• “Let’s make the relationship win in this discussion, not an individual.”

Healthy compromise comes from a regulated nervous system. In other words, it comes from safety, self-trust, and worthiness. It doesn’t require self-betrayal. Instead, it allows both partners to honour the other’s needs while still feeling that their own needs are being respected.

This kind of compromise strengthens intimacy because it’s rooted in love, not fear.

A simple way to tell the difference is to ask yourself:

• Do I feel more open or more contracted after this compromise?

• Am I choosing this freely, or am I afraid of what will happen if I don’t?

• Can I express my needs here without fearing punishment or withdrawal?

Here’s the key insight I want you to take with you:
The difference isn’t within the behaviour, it’s in the energy behind the behaviour.

Are you choosing from fear of loss, or from love, safety, and self-respect?

Healthy love never asks you to disappear to be chosen. It asks you to arrive in your fullest expression - authentic and whole.

Does any of this resonate with you? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Simply reply to this email and let’s continue the conversation.

With Love,
Monica @ True Connection
💌