Practicing Secure Behaviour (Even When You Don’t Feel Secure)

Hello beautiful human!

One of the biggest misconceptions about attachment security is this: You either are secure… or you’re not.

But attachment security isn’t a genetic disposition. It’s not something you’re born with or locked in to forever. It’s nervous system wiring and conditioning. And like any conditioning, it can be rewired into something new.

You don’t become secure by waiting to feel secure

Many people tell themselves:

• “I’ll communicate my needs once I feel more confident.”

• “I’ll stop overthinking once I feel safe.”

• “I’ll trust when I’m finally healed.”

But security doesn’t work that way. You don’t wait for the feeling and then act. You act in alignment with security and the feeling grows from there.

What secure behaviour actually looks like

Secure behaviour is often quieter and less dramatic than insecure patterns, but it’s far more powerful. It looks like:

• Communicating needs directly
  Instead of hinting, withdrawing, or hoping your partner “just gets it.”

• Asking for support without shame
  Not apologising for having emotional needs or pretending you don’t care.

• Offering reassurance without defensiveness
  Understanding that reassurance isn’t a weakness, it’s a repair tool.

• Taking responsibility without collapsing
  Owning your part without spiralling into self-blame or over-apologising.

• Trusting your partner’s love without constant testing
  No creating distance just to see if they chase. No silent tests just to prove they care.

Why this feels so hard at first

If you didn’t grow up with consistent emotional safety when you were young, secure behaviour in adulthood can feel foreign, or even unsafe.

Your nervous system may interpret:

• Direct communication as “too much”

• Asking for reassurance as “needy”

• Calm repair as “boring”

• Trust as “naive”

So when you begin practicing secure behaviour, your body may resist.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing something new.

Your nervous system learns through experience

When you consistently choose secure behaviours:

• Your nervous system gathers evidence that it’s safe to be seen

• Emotional regulation improves

• Relationships feel less volatile and more grounding

• You stop outsourcing your self-worth to someone else’s reactions

And over time, your internal world begins to match your external behaviour.

Security is a muscle. And like any muscle:

• It strengthens through use

• It feels shaky at first

• It grows through repetition, not perfection

If any of this particularly resonates with you, we’d love to hear your thoughts. Simply reply to this email and let’s continue the conversation.

With Love,
Monica @ True Connection
💌